My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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