my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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