I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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