There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
