singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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