he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
