He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My feet surprised me
Randomize
