After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
two words...techno handjob
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
that is very illegal...i love you.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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