he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
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nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
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You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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