3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
