I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
