Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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