I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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