whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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