he puts the penis in happiness.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
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I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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