Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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