now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
