i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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