when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My feet surprised me
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
