I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
