My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
