Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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