did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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