I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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