maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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