When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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