Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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