Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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