Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
