It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
