If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
