you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
