So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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