My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
