she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
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