If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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