Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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