Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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