i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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