i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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