First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
