I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
