Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
