so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
