My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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