Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
