worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
