Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
