I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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