She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts