i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
