the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You're like the curious george of whores
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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