I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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