was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
