I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
