did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
