i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
