Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
