My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
