You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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