Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
