oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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