my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
